Interest lost

It has been so long since I've logged into this blog that I typed CrabsVsCountryGirl. That is a whole other story all together, and not one that I know anything about (thank God). I'm not a fan of ocean life. Haha. Bet you thought I was going somewhere else with that. Anyway...

I've been going through some pretty drastic changes in the past year. I moved, I separated from my husband, and I've had some medical issues (no, not crabs, although I do appreciate a good throwback joke). In all of this, plus the consequences (financial worry, emotional distress, financial worry, unorganization that comes with uprooting your life, did I mention finances yet?) I seem to have lost my way a little bit. Things that used to bring me pleasure no longer do.

I've been a reader my whole life. Even before I could read I was fascinated with books. Lately I've tried a few different books, and I just can't seem to be engaged. The first one I really noticed a problem with was The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. The lovely and talented Jen recommended this book to me. At first I was intrigued by the idea, but as I got further and further into the book two things struck me. 1) This lady didn't start out unhappy. She came from a place of discontent and ungratitude for all the blessings she had, but stopping to smell the roses is not the same as finding happiness. 2) I'm a little too bitter right now about my divorce to hear about how she spent a week being really nice to her husband. The second book I tried to read was Warm Bodies. I saw the trailer for the film, and I thought it looked interesting. Surprisingly the book was donated to my thrift store about a week later, and it seemed like a magical sign (we get lots of great books, but rarely are they THAT new and pop culturally relevant). I've been reading it for month, and I'm about 60 pages in. Normally I read a book in under 2 days. Finally, I tried Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. My friend Jessica thought the two of us should read it because we both have a penchant for YA Fiction. Coincidentally it is also being made into a movie, and if we both liked the book we would plan to see the movie. She was waiting on me to give her the copy of the book when I was finished, and she helpfully reminded me of the movie's release date a couple of times. This nudging was the ONLY reason I finished the book. To say I hated it was an understatment. It inspired me to write a bad review, which is pretty unheard of. I can generally find something nice to say. I could not find a thing in this book that I enjoyed. (If you are interested in my review, you can read it here.)

I've had a problem with writing recently too. If you couldn't tell by how long it has been between my blog posts, you could look at my Twitter feed which used to be filled daily, or my Facebook which hardly ever gets anything but a shared link from Yahoo News. I mentioned before that I took a writing class last summer. It helped me write a novel in 2 weeks. Unfortunately it also changed my opinion of the writer who taught the class. I use the term "taught" loosely. She was flighty 99% of the time, never responded to anyone's work, didn't bother to update her syllabus from 2008, and didn't follow through with the features of the class that were promised. She did, however, demand we purchase her new book (after already shelling out $100 for the class) during week 4 of a 6 week class. Finally she resorted to bribery by asking that if we could work as her own little mini publicists and get her to a NYT bestseller that she would "take us under her wing". I was so disillusioned by the hard sale, that I dropped out of the class and haven't wrote much since. Granted, I did get my novel out of it, and I am so so proud of it, but I haven't bothered to go back and revise it.

Finally I get to fashion. Or more accurate I suppose is appearance. I love clothes. I love buying them. I love watching shows about sewing them. I even love selling used ones to needy families. It may just be part of the grieving process, but I don't spend as much time as I used to on the way I look. I let my hair's roots go un-dyed. Forget plucking my eyebrows. I chose glasses over contacts more frequently than I used to. Part of it is that I feel like I don't have anywhere to go. I work, I come home, I sleep, I repeat. The other part of it is that I feel like I'm in this great big holding pattern. I'm not divorced yet, but I'm not married either. What good would it do me to feel confident and pretty? I can't move on. I can't go back. I can't afford a divorce. I just have to sit and wait. In the meantime, you can bet I won't be reading, writing, or grooming.

To get myself out of the funk I'm in, I'm trying to do other things to occupy my time. I exercise although I could really kick that up a notch. I cook although it's easier to just eat out when it's for one. I'd love to try my hand at making clothes, but I'm a sewing machine killer. I can break one so fast it isn't even funny. What will I do to pass the time and ease the boredom? Will my love of reading, writing, and fashion ever return? Stay tuned!

Peak 313 Living and Active Challenge pt 2

So I began the 5 week challenge on a great foot.  I was living.  I was active.  I did everything required of me and then some for the first 6 days and then...injury.

I've been sick with the flu.  I've had scrapes, cuts, and bruises.  I've had menstral cramps that would make lesser mortals faint.  But I have never experienced anything like this.

It happened on a Saturday, which is normally my day off from my day job.  I had been forwarded a set of photos taken at once of my husband's shows (he sings, dances, acts, whatever), and included were about 5 of the most unflattering pictures of me ever taken.  I was in a funk after seeing them, so I went into work and used my frustration to arrange and re-arrange some of the merchandise with vigor. I moved a couch alongside a customer, and I felt a slight pinch.  After the couch was placed, I walked over and picked up a box of books and then I couldn't sit it down.  I couldn't bend over at all.  I had to drop the box.

I didn't realize the severity of my injury.  Never having serious back problems before, I thought I'd be fine with an hour or two of rest. Haha.  How naive.

Over the next 12 hours the pain crescendoed into unbelievable torture.  I had call into my night job.  I could not stand, walk, or go to the bathroom unassisted.  I slept in the kitchen floor because I literally could not take another step.

Seven days and 4 chiropractor appointments later I was able to stand for short periods of time.  My body shook with the effort of it.  I could walk, but it was a slow, sad shuffle, nothing compared to my normally fast clip.  Even now, 26 days later, I am only back to about 80% of my former abilities.  I am terrified of lifting anything over 10 lbs.

Obviously I wasn't able to be active for the Peak 313 Challenge.  I barely qualified as living.  If one good thing came out of my injury it was that I had a lot of time to think, and here is the conclusion I reached:

I may not have liked the body I saw in those hideous photographs, but that body was strong and capable.

Never in my life did I feel like such a brat.  I was only focused on what I looked like.  I completely overlooked the wonderful things my body could do.

I have decided to start the challenge again.  This time there won't be hundreds of other people doing it alongside me.  I don't have to check in, and I won't win a prize.  I'm doing it because I can.  I'm also changing my mindset.  The first go-around I had only 1 goal - to finish.  This time I have 2 goals - finish and maintain a positive, grateful attitude.

I'm not sure if negative reinforcement works for others trying to improve their bodies, but it didn't work for me.

The challenge consists of exercising 25 mins a day/4 days a week.  It also incorporates memorizing Bible verses to feed you spiritually, and checking in with others for accountablilty.  Since the official challenge ends 10/5, I'll use this blog to check in.

Better late than never, right?